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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26855080">THERES A CUCCO, LOOSE ON THE TIMELINE</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skiewrites/pseuds/Skiewrites'>Skiewrites</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Big Bag of LU Fics... [12]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda &amp; Related Fandoms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Gen, Linked Universe, like guys, please understand that this is pure crack, that kind of crack, this is just pure crack, to be read as if a fic from 2010 ff.net, utter fucking crack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:13:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,808</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26855080</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skiewrites/pseuds/Skiewrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Legend tries to explain the timeline.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Big Bag of LU Fics... [12]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1769746</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>THERES A CUCCO, LOOSE ON THE TIMELINE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm sorry.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After Time explained what happened with the whole 'yeah i accidentally messed up the timeline oppsie dasiy :)', Legend found that the only thing he could do was sit back and sigh. Everyone else was godsmacked at the explanation. Legend was done with the whole timeline bullshit.</p><p>“I’ve never really cared about the timeline.” Legend started. He’s messed with time, he’s done his fair share of time travel after all, but this had taken everything too far. “Never talked about it much. Obviously something bad happened, clearly. My world is so fucked up, there’s no way that nothing bad. But I finally have the answer. But then, two decades the strangest thing happened.</p><p>“Are you okay? Why are you talking like that?” Wild piped up. Legend ignored him. He needed to get this off his chest.</p><p>“Two decades ago? What does that mean?” Wind said. Legend also ignored him.  </p><p>“Two decades? Isn’t that the era of the Fallen Hero?” Hyrule asked. Legend nodded, a small smile on his face. Finally, someone sensible in the group.</p><p>“Now, I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up with the newest theories, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time. I try and stay a little optimistic-”</p><p>“You’ve never been optimistic once in your whole life.” Four grumbled. Legend glared at him, and if looks could kill then this one would be fatal. Four was, of course, unfazed by this.</p><p>“I try and stay a little optimistic, even though I will admit, things are getting pretty confusing.” The group stayed silent. Legend took in this silence for a hot sec. This was something he was never going to get ever again. He had to take his cucco eggs before the cuccos got back.</p><p>“See, this is how I look at it, and this is just me, this whole hangup with the timeline, it’s like there’s a cucco loose on the timeline.”</p><p>The silence wouldn’t stay for long.</p><p>Legend knew this.</p><p>He could count down the seconds until the group exploded into utter chaos.</p><p>More chaos that lingered in lounge one of the discord server that Legend definitely didn’t know about.</p><p>Three.</p><p>Two.</p><p>One.</p><p>“Are you for real?” Wild said putting down the ladle that is rumoured to only appear when you preorder a game, not that Legend knew anything about that of course.</p><p>“Okay what the actual frick frack spickerdy spack does that mean?” Wind asked.</p><p>“Next time just say fuck.” Warriors groaned.</p><p>“It’s like there’s a cucco loose on the timeline!” Legend exclaimed, pointing at Warriors. This confused Warriors. He was certain that none of Linkle’s cuccos went through the portal with them during his adventure, he had to be the one that had to double check. But, maybe they did. He’ll have to ask Lana next time he saw her.</p><p>“I don’t get it.” Sky said, but then again, there was a lot that Sky was told that he didn’t understand. Fi’s words about replacing the batteries in a Wii remote still confuse and haunt him to this day.</p><p>What did she mean???</p><p>“Legend did you drink some cactus juice?” Wild asked. He had before. It tasted good, but there was a three hour period of his life missing. He didn’t want his memories back. He didn’t want an explanation on why Wolfie was refusing to move off him in the middle of Hrrule field when the last thing he remembered was being in the desert.</p><p>“Did you eat Hyrule’s food again?” Twilight said. The mere mention was enough to bring back the ghost of the food on his tongue, and it was enough to make him shiver and hold back a gag.</p><p>“Well spank my ass and call me uncle.” Everyone turned to Time. “What? Everything he just said made compete sense.”</p><p>“I am very uncomfortable with the energy we’ve created in the studio today.” Twilight muttered. Legend moved on with his explanation.</p><p>“It’s like there’s a cucco loose on the timeline. I think eventually everything’s gonna straighten itself out, but I have no idea what is happening when. And neither do any of you, and neither do your Zelda’s, because there’s a cucco loose on the timeline. It’s never happened before, no one knows what the cucco’s is going to do next, least of all the cucco. The fucker’s never been on a timeline before, he’s as confused as you are.” Legend explained, as if his every word made complete sense and wasn’t just copied and pasted into a word doc with minor adjustments so that it would make sense within the context that the author was writing this in.</p><p>“I am confused, I’ll give you that.” Four muttered as he leaned back against his tree..  </p><p>“But why cuccos? They’re not that bad.” Legend ignored Sky. That was sus behaviour that. Legend will vote him out later during the emergency meeting.</p><p>“There’s no experts.” Legend started.</p><p>“Experts? In this economy?” Hyrule said. As if he knew what an economy was. Legend had seen his Hyrule. They don’t know what an economy was. There was a reason why they were the downfall timeline.</p><p>“Do you know what an economy is Hryule?” Four asked. Clearly the only one with a braincell. Hopefully that braincell doesn’t do anything like date their shadow and pretend to betray the rest of the Links. Because that would be bad, but would definitely add to the drama.</p><p>They could always do with some more drama, actually, now that Legend was thinking about it.</p><p>“They try to find experts for that newspaper thingy that Wild’s subscribed to, I dunnno aldkfjasdlkfj, the Rumour Mill I think it’s called?. They’re like, “We’re joined now by a hero that once saw an oocca in a pot.” Get out of here with that shit! We’ve all seen an oocca in a pot. This is a cucco loose on the timeline.”</p><p>“Okay now you’ve lost the plot Legend. Do you have the rona? Do you need to be quarantined?” Warriors asked, trying to“Okay now you’ve lost the plot Legend. Do you have the rona? Do you need to be quarantined?” Warriors asked, trying to get close to Legend to check his temperture, but Hyrule jump in between them.</p><p>“SoCiL dIsTaNcInG!!!”</p><p>“NONE OF YOU KNEW WHAT AN OOCCA WAS UNTIL I SHOWED YOU!” Twilight exclaimed, before sitting back with a sigh. “And that’s the tea sis.”</p><p>“How did you do that with your voice?” Wind asked.</p><p>“Do what?” Legend said, suddenly sidetracked.</p><p>“The thing you said after ‘dunno’?”</p><p>“Eh. I smashed my head against a keyboard. Well, the writer copied and pasted from someone else’s text but we’re getting side tracked.” Legend said, pausing for a second before remembering where he was on his rant.</p><p>“When a cucco is loose on the timeline, you got to stay updated. So all day long you walk around, “What’d the cucco do?” The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. It’ll be like, “The cucco caused a three day timeloop?”</p><p>Legend paused for dramatic effect.</p><p>“I didn’t know he knew how to do that.”</p><p>"I came here to have a good time and I am feeling personally attacked right now" Time muttered. Nobody said a word. After all, he all but admitted to being the imposter.</p><p>“The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the cucco at all. You’re down in the child timeline like, “Hey, has anyone… Has anyone heard–”</p><p>Legend then preceded to make what were supposed to be the noise of a cucco.</p><p>“Is he okay?” Sky said. Maybe he should have listened to Fi and replaced the batteries for his Wii Remote. Shame he lost it when he accidentally threw it at his TV.</p><p>“Is he still talking about the timeline?” Wild asked, genuinely curious. The timeline is something that always intrigued him, but since he had something from all three timelines, everyone says that he’s a part of their timeline. Or something. Its caused a lot of arguments in the group, and online of course.</p><p>But hey, at least his game was canon.</p><p>“There are those quiet days when people are like, “It looks like the cucco has finally clucked it’s crow.” And then ten seconds later the cucco is like, “I’m gonna run towards the already broken timeline and kill it with my beak and bitch slap it with my wing. I’ve got a sharp beak and two deadly wing, I’m a motherfucking cucco!” That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking cucco.” Legend said, finally stopping with the screaming and going back to the crack fic at hand.</p><p>“Hey Legend, I know you like to dye your hair. Or whatever you do with it,” Four said, “But you do know what colour you haven’t tried yet? Therapy.”</p><p>Four was ignored. Legend didn’t need that kind of negativity in his life.</p><p>“And then… Then… Then you end up on a stupid adventure with eight other people and they’re like, “There shouldn’t be a cucco on the timeline.”” Legend said, his eyes wide. The only thing he needed now was a corkboard with the red strings. But the others managed to get the image without the props.</p><p>“Never have I once said ‘There shouldn’t be a cucoo on the timeline.” Warriors grumbled.</p><p>“You just did.” Wind said, smiling before ducking out of the way of Warriors slap. “Dad! Warriors just tried to hit me!”</p><p>“Don’t hit your brother Warriors.” Time said, without missing a beat. Legend made sure to continue before Warriors could reply.</p><p>“And it’s like, “We’re well past that.” Then a motherfucker by the name of, I don’t know let’s use Ganon, is like, “If there’s gonna be a cucoo on the timeline, I’m going take over the tristate area.” And those don’t match up at all.” Legend was about to continue when he saw Wild’s raised hand. “Yes?”</p><p>“What’s the tristate area?” Legend went to answer but found that he was no thought brain empty. All was in there was this rather catchy jingle. So, he shrugged and continued.</p><p>“Okay where were we? Oh right. And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the cucoo, since we’ve all survived cuccos before, and then, a whole linked universe away, a wild Dink appeared and was all like, “I have some weird black blood, a negative triforce and like this one lizalfos that just will not die already, and I’m going to blow up the timeline!”” Legend said.</p><p>“I hate how accurate this is.” Twilight muttered.</p><p>“I hate it here. Can we please just go back to the regular cursed hours please?” Four muttered.</p><p>Legend continued on like no one interrupted.</p><p>“And before we heroes could say anything, the cucco was like, “If you even fucking look at the timeline, I will slap you to death with my wings. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can slap you with my wings, I’m so fucking crazy.” “You think you’re fucking crazy, I’m fucking Richard Magda Bitchard Tingle Malo Cia Moon Long Ass Name Dink Zill LXIX. I not only live in the shadows, I was born in ut, molded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man. I’m fucking crazy.” And all of us are like, “Okay. Okay. Okay Okay.” Like poor Jojo seeing our cursed content. “Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.””</p><p>“Dink really does have the power of god and anime on his side. ” Wind said, tilting his head in respect.</p><p>“How did you do that!” Wild asked.</p><p>“Do what? Oh, . That?” Wind said.</p><p>“Yeah!”</p><p>“Wait, you can’t do that?” Hyrule asked, leaning forward in hopes that one would appear.</p><p>“You can?” Wild questioned.</p><p>“Yeah. For example. 'Me writing this fic:  .”</p><p>“WHAT???”</p><p>“It’s the not being able to speak in emotes for me. ” Warriors added, finally happy to have something that Wild didn't have. Style.</p><p>“It’s the amnesia for me.” Twilight added. “</p><p>“No! This isn’t what the author wanted to write. Continue please.” Sky gestured to Legend, but with the way he gestured, it also looked like was gesturing at me.</p><p>Strange.</p><p>On with the show.</p><p>“And then, for a second, we were like, “Maybe Hylia will be useful for once in the entirety of her creation and will catch the cucco.” And then the cucco is like, “I have fired Hylia.” He can do that? That shouldn’t be allowed no matter who the cucco is. I don’t remember that in Hyrule Historia.”</p><p>“That explains why Flora couldn’t hear her for like, three games.” Wild said, waving his impossible ladle around. The unbreakable ladle. The one that was missing for the entirety of Breath of the Wild, and really, that the biggest tragedy of any Legend of Zelda game.</p><p>“Your second game hasn’t released yet, let alone your third, how do you know that Hylia wont talk to her then.” Wild rolled his eyes at Sky’s words before looking directly at You.</p><p>“I just know.”</p><p>“WAIT! Why does Wild get a second and third game? I’m not even canon!” Legend ignored Warriors again. He was not going to be the one to tell him that Legend had at least six games.</p><p>“Sometimes, if you hit the cucco enough times, it will attack you until you’re dead. But sometimes, if you make fun of the cucco, other people, and sometimes heroes, will get upset. These are the heroes that opened the portal for the cucco. I don’t judge anyone.”</p><p>“Liar.” Four muttered. Legend ignored him. Again.</p><p>"We didn't do shit." Time said. Like the fucking liar he was.</p><p>“But sometimes I ask people. I go, “Hey, how come you opened the door for the horse?” And they go, “Well, the timeline was inefficient!””</p><p>“Hey Legend, what does that mean?” Warriors asked.</p><p>“Well excuse me Princess, I’m just telling you as it is. Do I look like the Hero of Time? No. So shut up and listen.”</p><p>“Where was I? Oh right. Sometimes they go, “If you’re so mad at the cucco, how come you weren’t mad when bitchface that had a crush on loverboy did this three and a half years ago? You’re beating up on the cucco when the Father Time over there essentially did the same thing five years ago.” First off, get out of here with your facts. You’re like the gatekeeing fanperson at the anime convention who, sees you wearing your Linked Universe cosplay is like, “Actually, you play Link, not Zelda.” Get the fuck out of here with your technicalities. Just ’cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting. That was fun when we watched that <em>pointcrow beat breath of the wild with only a stick</em> letsplay. “Don’t you mean speedrun? It was a speedrun.” Why don’t you get your spam and get out of my lounge one! Take your switch, take your goddamn switch and get out of my Christian Minecraft Server!”</p><p>“Legend, Ima be real with you. I know the words you’re saying, no wait, I don’t even know that.” Hyrule said. He’s been lost since the beginning. The same as the readers who even made it to this point.</p><p>“Are you Jared. 19. Never learned how to fucking read?”</p><p>“This is a verbal conversation Legend.”</p><p>“Just say yes. It’s easier on all of us this way.”</p><p>“Please continue Legend. The author wants to actually go to bed before someone yells about sleep crimes.” Time muttered. Legend rolled his eyes but continued nonetheless.</p><p>
  <strong>(A.N. Okay Stacks I know it’s nearly 2am but I’m almost done and this is some good crack okay. I’ll bribe you with cookies :3 (::)(::))</strong>
</p><p>"But when people say, “How come you were never mad at the last guy?” I say, “Because I wasn’t paying attention.” I used to pay less attention before there was a cucco on the timeline and everything was canon. Also, I thought the Father Time was pretty smart, and he seemed good at his job, and I’m lazy by nature. So I don’t check up on people when they seem okay at their job, even if they do end up breaking the timeline. You may think that’s an ignorant answer but it’s not, it’s a great answer. If you left your sword with Four tonight, you’re not going check up on it and make sure it’s usable. But if you leave your baby with Wild…”</p><p>“And now there’s Yiga again!” Wild yelled.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, but this seemed like a good time to point out that the Yiga have been here for at least five minutes.” Wild said, pointing just behind the group. Turning around they spotted a small audience.</p><p>“Have you ever considered stand up?” One of them asked.</p><p>“I’m going to bed.” Legend replied.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm so very sorry.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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